Trusting the Process Emotions and Life Inside a Residential Treatment Facility
Therapist Tiffany Silva Herlin, LCSW, talks with Aiden and his mom Rivka about their journey at Discovery Ranch. They explore setbacks, trust-building, and Discovery Ranch’s motto, “Strength is in the struggle,” offering hope and insight for families considering this healing path.
This honest conversation provides a valuable perspective for families considering residential treatment options for their teen. By sharing their journey, Aiden and Rivka offer hope and practical wisdom for parents facing similar challenges with their children. Listen to this episode to gain authentic insights into what the residential treatment process looks like from both parent and teen perspectives. To learn more about our services, call us at 855-662-9318.
Introduction to the Journey
Tiffany: All right, welcome back to our second episode. My name is Tiffany Silva Herlin, and I’m a licensed clinical social worker. I’m excited to be interviewing you both again — thank you so much for coming back.
Today, we have Rivka and Aiden here to share their experience of what life was like at a residential treatment program — specifically, Discovery Ranch.
Let’s start at the beginning. Aiden, what were your feelings when you first arrived?
Aiden: Oh, I hated it.
Tiffany: Yeah?
Aiden: Straight up — I hated it at first. And honestly, I think I hated it even more after I left. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t that bad.
Tiffany: What did you hate about it?
Aiden: I just didn’t want to be there. That’s pretty much it. But I think that’s how most kids feel.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Aiden: Very few kids want to be there.
Tiffany: Rivka, what was it like for you during that first week after he left?
Rivka: The first few weeks at Discovery Ranch were pretty uneventful. It was kind of a honeymoon period — and I think Aiden might not remember that part.
Aiden: That’s what every kid goes through.
Rivka: At first, he was engaged. He was earning his points, progressing quickly. They start at zero, but it’s easy to move up to a one, and he was on a fast track.
Then, in about week three, he just… gave up. But not passively — he was determined.
Aiden: I didn’t just throw in the towel — I chucked it.
Rivka: Yep, he was set on getting kicked out. But instead, he was met with a committed team. People were working with him one-on-one — actually, always two-on-one, for safety — for hours on end. That kind of attention and staffing is rare.
Aiden: This program was the hardest one I’d ever been in.
Rivka: Every program we’d been in had that two-adult-to-one-child setup. And I think that’s common in these types of programs. So when people bring up concerns about what might have been said or done, I always encourage them to consider: there’s always a witness. There’s always a third person — for safety and accountability.
I encourage parents to critically assess what their kids are telling them. Aiden was giving us the worst-case scenario version of everything.
Aiden: Nothing good. Just all the bad stuff.
Rivka: Right. He told us the kids were mean, the staff were mean, and the food was awful. It was too hot. It was too cold. He couldn’t do what he wanted. He had to wear shoes — the right shoes — and if he didn’t wear sneakers for a certain activity, that was a problem.
He also hated jeans.
Aiden: I love jeans now, though.
Rivka: But back then, jeans were non-negotiable if you wanted to ride horses. He wanted to wear khakis, and staff were like, “No, khakis aren’t safe for horseback riding.” So everything became a battle.
What I appreciated, though, were the sidebar conversations. Sometimes it was a text or a phone call, often unsolicited, but if I reached out and asked, “Hey, how’s today going?” I always got an answer.
If there wasn’t a phone call, that usually meant things were going okay. But I’d still ask, “Is no news good news?” And I’d get a thoughtful response — more than just a yes or no.
They were great about giving updates, as much as I asked for. So I would tell other parents: if you’re not sure what’s going on, have you reached out?
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: Have you collaboratively asked your questions? Don’t come in demanding. Remember — these people are on your side. You’re part of the team.
One of the most frustrating things I see is when parents treat staff like they owe them something, as if they’re not already giving 100% to your child. These are people who’ve dedicated their lives to helping struggling teens — we need to keep that in mind.
Aiden: And also, if your kid is only telling you all the bad stuff, it’s kind of like when you’re writing a paper — check your sources.
Tiffany: Fact-check it?
Aiden: Yeah. Listen to your kid, but also talk to the therapist. If you're still worried, ask other staff. If nothing lines up with what your kid is saying, then chances are they’re exaggerating or not telling the full truth.
If parts of the storyline line up, then you can find the middle ground. But yeah — check your sources. The kid’s not always right.
It’s not “the customer is always right” in this situation.
Understanding Child's Perspective
Tiffany: Yeah. I like to call those "white rabbits"—those things kids throw out to get their parents chasing after something when they first arrive at a program. It’s a way to avoid accountability. If they can distract their parents, the pressure’s off them. Suddenly, the focus shifts, and now the parents are upset or questioning the program instead of encouraging their child to engage. That’s what we call triangulation—parents versus the program versus the child—when ideally, parents and programs should be working together as a team to support the child.
Rivka: One hundred percent.
Tiffany: Instead of getting caught up in things like whether they’re wearing the right shoes or earning certain privileges they may have had at home, it's important to remember that, realistically, they’ve lost those privileges because of where they’re at in their life—and now they’re working to earn them back.
Rivka: Exactly. And a lot of the rules in these programs aren’t about the specific rule—they’re about teaching a principle. One of the things Aiden and I have talked about is the rule at Discovery Ranch about wearing tennis shoes to the gym.
Aiden: Or just outside the house in general.
Rivka: Right. You could wear boots too, but for the gym, it had to be the right shoes. And it's easy to think, “Who cares if I’m working out in boots or Crocs?” But the rule isn’t really about the shoes—it’s about learning to show up prepared. Like, when you have a job, you can’t show up without your laptop. You’d have to go home and get it. This is how they teach that lesson on a ranch: by using tennis shoes.
Tiffany: Yeah, there’s a principle behind it.
Rivka: Exactly. It’s about setting you up for life. If you need specific gear for specific responsibilities, you learn that here in a relatable way. Someone explained it to me early on that they’re not married to the shoes—they don’t care what shoes a kid wears. They care that the kid learns the importance of being prepared.
Tiffany: That’s such a great example. And it sounds like you were very present and engaged in the process. That makes a huge difference.
Rivka: I think that’s important. Ask the questions. And be present. When it’s time for a visit, show up. Don’t make excuses. This is a priority. When you schedule a family meeting, pick a time that works and commit to it, come hell or high water.
Aiden: And if the meeting needed to be rescheduled, it usually wasn’t because of the parents—it was because of me.
Tiffany: So again, it goes back to collaboration. Some parents think, “Well, they’re the experts, so I shouldn’t ask questions.” But no, you absolutely should. This is your child. You’re allowed to ask questions and stay involved. Even when parents send their kid to individual therapy, I have friends say, “Am I allowed to ask how they’re doing?” Absolutely. Ask. Collaborate. Work with the therapist. The same thing applies to a program.
And if something concerns you, bring it up. The people working with your child's care. They want to support them and keep them safe. Like in the last episode when you shared how Aiden needed Diet Coke for his diabetes—the program made that accommodation. If they can help, they will.
Rivka: Yeah.
Tiffany: Which is huge—collaboration.
Rivka: Yes. And understanding that this program is going to become part of your life too—it’s not just something your child is doing.
Prioritizing Family Involvement
Rivka: You know, we don’t always know how long our child will be in the program, but you have to make it work for your everyday life. If your child might be here for a year or more, you’ve got to find a time that works consistently.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: Maybe that means doing therapy sessions after work, or maybe Friday afternoons when you can sneak away. Figure it out—they’ll work with you. But you need to be present. This is not a call to take while driving home from work. It’s not a time to multitask. You need to bring your whole self to that call.
Set that time aside intentionally so you can show up as the best version of yourself in that therapy. Your child is counting on it. At Discovery Ranch, you meet with them once a week. So ask yourself: What version of yourself do you want to bring to that meeting? Even if you’re angry or struggling with your stuff, remember—you’ve got one hour. Then it’s another week until the next call. So make it count.
This process is emotional. It’s intense. It’s taxing. It’s exhausting.
Aiden: And to add to that—like I mentioned in the last episode—we're the kings (and queens, if it’s a daughter) of manipulation. If we sense that you’re vulnerable or off-balance, we’ll exploit it. We’ll use it to our advantage. We know how to pull your heartstrings.
Tiffany: What I’m hearing is that at a residential treatment center, there’s a whole structure—a system. At home, it’s just mom and dad. Maybe there’s a therapist involved, but it’s usually not a whole team working together.
In residential treatment, you’ve got the nurse, the teachers, the direct care staff, the therapist, the parents—all working together. They’re all communicating and collaborating to help your child grow, to hold them accountable, and to move them forward.
Aiden: They’ll say, “Hey, you did this action previously…”
Tiffany: “…but you fixed it.”
Let me ask you this, Mom—because a lot of parents who’ve only done outpatient therapy may not realize this—how did the level of parent involvement in residential treatment compare to outpatient therapy?
Collaboration in Treatment
Tiffany: What is that like for someone unaware? Help paint a picture of what your involvement looked like—and why it mattered.
Rivka: Okay, so first I’ll say this: when your child is at home, you’re sending them to school, to therapy, maybe they’re in sports… and all of those are siloed activities. You, as the parent, are the nucleus holding everything together—but those people and systems don’t usually talk to each other. And if they do, it’s not regular or cohesive.
When your child enters residential treatment, it’s different. The school staff, kitchen staff, night staff, therapist—they’re all part of one system.
Aiden: So no one’s out of the loop.
Rivka: Exactly. Everyone knows everything. They’re all charting in the same system. So if he had a rough night in the dorm or an issue at school, the therapist knows about it because it’s in the chart—and she’s probably already spoken to the teacher who witnessed it. Even something small, like if he grabbed the wrong dessert in the kitchen—it all goes in, and everyone’s aware. There’s this constant communication.
So the number one thing I’d say to parents: insert yourself into that community. For me, that came naturally—I’m outgoing, I like to be involved. But if that’s not your personality, learn how to do it anyway. Even if it’s uncomfortable at first, make yourself part of that team. You want to be in the nucleus of your child’s treatment team, even if you’re far away.
So show up. Go to the visits. Attend Parent Days. Be present for all the calls. If staff says, “Hey, we’d like to catch up,” don’t put it off for three days—make it a priority now. Bring your full presence to it. Don’t answer the call while you’re stuck in traffic.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: They know. They can tell if you’re distracted or navigating somewhere. And they’re human, too. If you want them to bring their A-game to your child’s treatment, then you need to bring yours. I stayed plugged in. If there was a program event, a therapy call, a family visit—those dates went on my calendar immediately, and everything else was scheduled around them.
That meant arranging childcare for my other kids, taking care of our dogs, and earning work obligations. I made the program’s calendar my calendar. It was a conscious decision—a commitment of time, energy, and resources to be involved in the process.
Tiffany: Aiden, was that important for you to have your mom, your dad, your whole family involved in your treatment?
Aiden: Yeah, I think so. I mentioned this in the last episode, too, but the whole idea is that eventually you’re going back to your real life. Back to your community. Back to your family.
The Goal of Reunification
Aiden: But that can’t happen if your parents purposely stay out of the loop. If they don’t want to be involved, and then suddenly say, “Great, you’re coming home now”—well, what am I coming home to? You weren’t there. How am I supposed to rejoin a community that didn’t show up to become one in the first place?
Tiffany: Yeah.
Aiden: So even if I’m ready to come home and be part of something again, I can’t—because you didn’t build that “something” while I was away. And that makes it hard.
Rivka: I think it also comes down to understanding your end goal. There are some families who, for unique reasons, may not be able to focus on reunification right away. But for our family, from day one, reunification wasn’t just an option—it was the goal. And it couldn’t come soon enough.
I think that’s part of why I was so naïvely convinced this would be a six-to-eight-week journey. But that goal had to be redefined many times. I remember we had a family visit that had to end early, and it was devastating. We had flown out, signed the agreements, and followed the structure. But the rules started getting bent… and then broken.
We had to make an impossible call that Saturday morning. We called the therapist and said, “This is failing. We are failing. Fast.” And she said, “Get in the car. Come back.”
Tiffany: That’s such a hard moment—especially after all the planning, the effort, and the hope you had going in. But like we were talking about earlier, sometimes the reality doesn’t match what you wanted it to be.
Aiden: I remember seeing that in my mom’s face during the next family call. There was this look, like all the hope had drained out of her. Like, “Oh my God, I thought we had made progress, and now it’s just gone.” It was like everything had been erased. “Are we back to square one? Is this just not going to work?”
But the thing is, you can’t think like that. You have to hold on. And I think it took her a moment to find that again—but then it was, “Okay, we’re back on track. We’ll keep going.” That’s the thing I want parents and kids to hear: you have to hold on to hope.
Hope that your kid is coming home. Hope that it will get better. You can’t give up. Neither of you can. It’s a fight, and it’s hard, and it’s constant—but you’ve got to keep going. On both sides. The kid has to keep trying, and the parents do too. Because there is light at the end of the tunnel—even if it feels super far away. You have to remember that light is still there.
Rivka: And I’ll say this—he couldn’t have said it better. No matter how dark it feels as a parent, no matter how hopeless you might feel in a given moment, you still have a choice.
It comes back to what version of yourself you want to bring to the call. Because again, your child sees you once a week for one hour. That’s it. So, who are you going to be during that time?
They’re not home yet. You are the grown-up. So bring the version of yourself that is hopeful, that is present, that is engaged—even when you’re crushed inside.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Emotional Struggles of Parents
Rivka: I was devastated. And I want to talk about that, because I think it’s important for families to understand that this journey has ebbs and flows—and wow, does it crash sometimes.
Tiffany: Yeah. I wanted to ask what some of the hardest parts have been for you.
Rivka: So, without getting into specifics—this isn’t even a dramatic story. But it was our first overnight visit. At Discovery Ranch—
Aiden: Yeah, I think it was our first overnight. That was the one.
Tiffany: Which means you didn’t leave the state, but you stayed nearby for a night, right?
Aiden: Yeah, we were in Salt Lake. I remember we thought afterward, “Maybe we made a mistake going out that far.” I think the next overnight had more specific guidelines—like a radius we had to stay within. And it took some time to earn back the trust to go that far again.
Tiffany: For listeners who don’t know, most programs don’t just do family phone calls. They also involve structured visits—practice runs. These can start as just a few hours, then maybe an overnight. If the student does well, there might eventually be a home visit. Each one is like a test: “Here’s a new system. Here are the new rules. How are we going to handle this?”
Aiden: Yeah. Can the parents hold their boundaries? Will the student follow the plan, or test the limits? (They probably will.)
And even before a true home visit, some families do something called an out-of-state overnight. I never got to a full home visit myself, but I did do one of those. It’s a weekend where you leave the treatment center and go somewhere else that isn’t home. It's like a dry run—so you don’t go straight home and immediately relapse.
Tiffany: Right. It’s a safety net.
Aiden: Yeah. Like a therapeutic vacation—so you can experience being out of treatment, without jumping straight into the home environment. Then, if that goes well, you might be ready for a real home visit. It just helps build confidence and safety, step by step.
Rivka: At Discovery Ranch, there’s a progression: you start with an on-campus visit, then an off-campus day visit. After that, you can earn an overnight. For our first overnight, we booked an Airbnb about an hour and ten minutes away. We didn’t even really think about how far that was from campus—or why that would matter.
Things started to unravel. He was breaking every rule. And again, not in dramatic ways—but the visit started turning upside down quickly. He was manipulating us, trying to change the schedule, testing every boundary. And these were all things we had signed a contract about.
Aiden: Yeah, for context—at Discovery Ranch (and other programs like it), there’s something called a visit contract. Every visit has one: on-campus, off-campus, overnight, or home visit. You and your family sign it, and it spells out all the rules, expectations, and goals for that visit.
Tiffany: Because these visits are still part of the therapeutic process—not just fun outings.
Aiden: Exactly. It’s not just “go have fun.” There are clear therapeutic goals. And if you break the rules—well, it doesn’t always mean the visit’s over, but there are consequences. The whole point is accountability. Because a lot of students are still very vulnerable to relapse, even if they’ve earned the privilege of a visit.
Tiffany: Right. It provides structure and safety.
Rivka: So back to the visit—he’s pushing back hard, and as we try to hold the line, he escalates. There’s yelling, screaming—nothing physical, but it’s rapidly deteriorating.
So we called for help. The plan was to do a quick reset back on campus. The therapist was going to meet us—it was a Saturday morning—and the hope was, maybe we could still salvage the weekend.
But we were an hour and ten minutes away. And in that drive back, everything fell apart. By the time we arrived, there was no salvaging anything.
Tiffany: That must have been so painful.
The Pain of Holding Boundaries
Rivka: And I was devastated. I do want to talk about that a little bit, because I think it’s important to understand that this journey has ebbs and flows—and boy, does it crash sometimes.
Tiffany: Yeah. I wanted to ask what some of the hardest parts have been.
Rivka: Yeah. So, without giving details, this isn't even so drastic. This is not even so dramatic. This was our first visit—our first overnight.
Aiden: I think it was the first overnight. I thought it was our first overnight.
Tiffany: Which means you didn’t leave the state, but you stayed close by overnight?
Aiden: Yeah. We were in Salt Lake. I think that was the first overnight. And then we were like, “We made a mistake going out this far.” After that, there was a rule about the radius we had to stay in—that became part of the visit contract. It took some time to regain trust and be allowed to go back out to Salt Lake.
Tiffany: For listeners who might not know, a lot of programs require not only weekly family phone calls but also practice visits. Sometimes they start with a short, in-state visit, or an off-campus visit during the day. Then, if things go well, you may progress to an overnight and eventually a home visit. These visits are like little tests—opportunities to try the new systems and see, “Can we do this? Will the child follow the rules? Will the parents hold the line?” And often the answer is yes… and also no.
Aiden: Right. And even before a home visit, sometimes families will do something called an out-of-state overnight. I never did a true home visit. I had what we called an out-of-state overnight, which ended up being in what I now call home. But yeah, sometimes, to avoid going straight home and risking a relapse, families do a kind of therapeutic vacation first. They leave the state but don’t go home. It’s a way to practice being out of the treatment center but still have structure.
Tiffany: Like a safety net.
Aiden: Exactly. A weekend overnight, away from the program but not at home, to make sure the teen can handle it before stepping back into their old environment.
Rivka: At Discovery Ranch, it starts with an on-campus visit. The next one is off-campus during the day. Then, if that goes well, you earn an overnight. This was our first overnight. Our Airbnb was about an hour and ten minutes from campus. We didn’t realize how far we were, and it didn’t register why that might be important. But it started going south quickly. He was breaking every rule—not dramatic things, but everything started unraveling. He was running us, manipulating us, trying to change the schedule—all the things we’d signed a visit contract about.
Aiden: Just for context, Discovery Ranch—like many programs—requires a visit contract before every visit. Whether it’s on-campus, off-campus, overnight, or a home visit, there’s a signed contract outlining all the rules and goals for the visit. It’s still therapeutic. It’s not just “have fun and do whatever.” There are expectations. And if a student breaks the rules, there are consequences.
Tiffany: So everything is clear and structured.
Aiden: Yeah. It helps students stay accountable. Many kids are still vulnerable to relapse. These rules provide a framework and a protocol in case things go sideways.
Rivka: So he’s pushing back, and as we’re holding the line, he’s escalating. Eventually, we have to call for help. There’s a lot of yelling—nothing physical—but it’s unraveling fast. We’re not in a good place. The therapist suggested we do a quick reset on campus. We planned to meet at the Ranch Saturday morning to see if we could salvage the weekend.
Tiffany: Oh man.
Rivka: But on the way back—since we were an hour and ten minutes away—things exploded. By the time we got to campus, it was clear: this visit wasn’t salvageable. We had to cut bait.
Tiffany: That must’ve been so painful for you, as a parent. After all the time, effort, money, and emotional energy, to have to hold that boundary.
Rivka: It was one of the hardest parts of this journey. I know he looked forward to that weekend—but so did I. Getting to kiss him goodnight, say prayers, make him breakfast, hand him his meds—those are things I don’t take for granted. I relished them. I wanted it so badly. And here we were—the first morning—and it was all going to hell.
Tiffany: It would’ve been easy to justify staying. To say, “Maybe he’ll turn it around.”
Rivka: Right. But then what are we doing? We’re telling him, “All you have to do is push hard enough and we’ll all fall in line.” That’s the old pattern. So, we changed our tickets and went home.
Tiffany: Ugh. That’s heart-wrenching.
Rivka: Beyond. Not only was the excitement of spending time with him gone, but now there was grief and mourning and processing everything that went wrong. It wasn’t just that it didn’t happen—it went badly.
Tiffany: So discouraging. The loss. The grief.
Rivka: And this is where you have to compartmentalize. For a couple of days, I just marinated in that pain. I was not in a good place. But when it came time for our family therapy call, I drank a Celsius and brought the best version of myself—so I could communicate my devastation in a productive, constructive way.
Tiffany: So you didn’t hide your feelings from him?
Rivka: No. Because that’s not therapeutic. We’re not going to pretend the weekend didn’t happen.
Aiden: That’s the worst thing you can do.
Rivka: If we’re going to do this, we have to do it right. Vulnerability and integrity. That means putting all the marbles on the table.
Tiffany: I ask because I think some parents try to shield their kids from more pain.
Rivka: But how do they ever become accountable if we don’t show them the consequences of their actions?
Tiffany: You were setting an amazing example: “This was hard, I’m struggling, and I can tell you that in a constructive, adult way.”
Rivka: Because I trust him. And I trust that he can learn to trust himself.
Tiffany: And because you love him.
Rivka: Right.
Tiffany: And that’s how your family communicates.
Rivka: Exactly. These were some of the most testing moments. And we had to go backwards. When something like this happens, you’re back to step one. We had to do that several times—progress, then realize we weren’t ready as a unit.
Aiden: It’s important growth for the parents, too. To recognize, “Okay, we can’t let this happen again. We’ve got to break the pattern.”
Tiffany: Right. You don’t want to reinforce the old cycle.
Aiden: Yeah. Sometimes the best thing is to bring the kid back, reset, and try again another time. Otherwise, it feeds the manipulation. Looking back, I saw it as an opportunity to say, “You gave up on me again.” I knew I could use that. But the reality was, “No—we didn’t give up. We just couldn’t let you continue unsafe behavior. This is what you needed.”
Rivka: He also needed to learn that when we left the Airbnb, it was tense, but not unsafe. By the time we reached campus, we had crossed the line. At that point, there were no options left.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: He had taken us from a difficult-but-manageable moment to a total breakdown. We all needed a timeout.
Tiffany: A complete reset.
Rivka: And it was dictated by the escalation.
Aiden: And it wasn’t just, “Here’s the next visit date.” I had to earn back that trust.
Earning Trust Through Boundaries
Tiffany: Was this a kind of breakthrough for you—to realize your parents were serious, that they meant it?
Aiden: It made me realize, “Okay, if I want visits, then I need to save face.” But I don’t think I had decided to change at that point—I was just trying to hold it together.
Tiffany: And did the real change come later?
Aiden: It did. Yeah, it came down the road.
Tiffany: Would you say this moment helped set you up for success, or at least started to lay the foundation?
Aiden: The visits? Yeah. And my parents are holding that boundary. I think it showed their commitment. Before treatment, when I would say, “You’re giving up on me? Seriously?”—this showed me they weren’t. They were saying, “No, we’re not giving up on you. We want you to come home. When you’re safe.”
Tiffany: That’s such a powerful message. “We want you home—when you’re safe.” And the visit becomes part of that progression.
Aiden: Exactly. It’s like, “Here are your steps forward. Let’s work toward them.”
Tiffany: So let’s talk about that. Outside the home, you weren’t safe. Did you feel safe while you were at Discovery Ranch?
Aiden: Yeah, I would say so. There were times I wanted to say, “I don’t feel safe,” mostly just to get that message across—like maybe if I say that, I’ll get sent home. But looking back, there was never actually a sense of true unsafe. Even if a kid was freaking out, the staff kept everyone safe. Even if you were being unsafe, the staff kept you safe. So I think saying “I don’t feel safe” was more about not wanting to be there than it was about real danger.
Defining Safety in Treatment
Rivka: I think kids learn that if they throw the word safety around enough, they’ll get their parents’ attention.
Tiffany: Yeah, we should probably define that.
Rivka: Exactly. That’s why it was so important to define safety early on. First and foremost, safety means physical safety—life and bodily safety. Then you expand that to emotional and mental safety. But kids learn which strings to pull. Manipulation doesn’t stop just because they’re no longer living at home.
Tiffany: In fact, it can get more intense. They’re under pressure, being held accountable, and therapy is hard work.
Rivka: They fine-tune which phrases will get a response.
Aiden: That’s why I love Discovery Ranch’s motto: Strength is in the struggle.
Tiffany: What does that mean to you?
Aiden: It’s like physical strength—your muscles hurt before they grow. You need grit.
Tiffany: Grit, endurance…
Rivka: I want to go back to when we ended that visit. That was a pivotal moment for us. It was the first time we had to make such a hard call. We weren’t surrounded by professionals—just us. And things were going downhill fast.
Tiffany: The wheels had come off.
Rivka: Completely. We barely made it back to campus. When we got there, the therapist met us. I think even Clinton and Matt showed up. There was a lot of manpower involved in ending that visit. And that sent a clear message to Aiden: We broke the cycle.
Tiffany: That’s powerful.
Rivka: At the next parent day, we shared that experience—not to dwell on what went wrong, but to show the growth that moment required. We had looked forward to that visit for eight months. But in that moment, it was do or die. Either we stood by what we’d learned, or the last eight months meant nothing. And we chose to grow. We never had to hold a boundary that hard again.
Tiffany: Because from then on, you had that shared reference point.
Rivka: Yes. After that, every visit had a contract. And we made sure everyone involved was fully aligned. "Are we all good? Are we all holding the line? Are we going to follow through?" It wasn’t enough to just nod. Our actions had to match our intent.
Aiden: It’s like when you sit in the emergency exit row on a plane—they need a verbal confirmation, not just a head nod.
Tiffany: Exactly.
Aiden: And at Discovery, it felt like you had to write that confirmation.
Tiffany: That ties back to the idea of grit. I was just reading a book called Flourish—it's all about positive psychology. It talks about how grit, especially self-control and discipline, is better for long-term goals: mastering skills, building careers, earning degrees. Treatment helps develop that kind of grit so teens can succeed outside the program—in college, in life, in relationships.
Rivka: That reminds me of something Aiden shared once. There were times he was just going through the motions to earn points and privileges. But because he wasn’t internalizing the change, it would fall apart when something challenging came up.
Tiffany: Yeah—if the change isn’t real, it won’t last.
Rivka: That’s why you have to meet the child where they are. The timeline has to follow their pace. The goal isn’t to get them home as soon as possible—it’s to get them home when they’re ready to thrive.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: They need to be functioning members of a community. They need to build meaningful relationships, learn healthy communication, and all the basics. You can’t fast-track that.
The Importance of Community and Relationships
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: And you also can’t fight a child’s resistance to it.
Tiffany: Right, they have to choose it. They have to want to internalize things, engage, be held accountable, and build that grit. This ultimately sets them up for success in achieving long-term goals.
Rivka: But I’d add—
Tiffany: Yes?
Rivka: This comes back to the idea that you’re a mirror as well. Are you showing up with grit? Are you approaching this with vulnerability and a commitment to the long-term? Because if you’re just going through the motions as a parent, then what are we doing? Are we playing charades or Pictionary?
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: What’s the end goal? If the goal is truly reunification and a successful life, is everyone involved doing their part? Are they all truly committed?
Tiffany: You can’t fake it, and you can’t rush it.
Rivka: Exactly.
Tiffany: Change takes time. Like Aiden said, strength is in the struggle. People don’t become Olympic gold medalists overnight. It takes years of practice and effort—
Rivka: And injuries and recovery from them, right? It’s two steps forward, one step back. And I’m okay with that, as long as it’s not one step forward and three steps back.
Aiden: I was watching a movie a couple of weeks ago, and they said, "You took two steps forward, one step back— that’s still one step forward." Even if you take a step back, you're still moving forward. It’s progress, a net positive.
Tiffany: Exactly.
Aiden: Yeah.
Tiffany: Can I circle back to safety for a moment? Did you feel like your son was safe in the program?
Rivka: Yes.
Tiffany: Was there ever a concern about his safety?
Rivka: No. I asked a lot of questions. In week three, when he was breaking down, I wanted to fully understand what was being done to keep him safe.
Tiffany: You were fully engaged from the start—
Rivka: I’d say 110%.
Tiffany: That’s awesome. I wish more parents were as committed as you.
Rivka: I do, too. I feel for the kids, and you can tell which ones are truly partnered with their parents in the journey. You can spot the ones who feel that support, versus the ones just going through the motions, like they’re playing Pictionary.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Reflecting on the Treatment Experience
Rivka: And you can see the success after, right? We’re three years in now. We started at Discovery Ranch in March of 2022, so it's been three years as of today.
Tiffany: And your son’s been home for over a year now?
Rivka: Yeah, just over a year. And I wouldn’t change any of it. Do I wish it had been less traumatic? Sure. Do I wish we had stayed on course a little more? Sure. But in reality, what we all learned about ourselves and each other is priceless. It’s changed all of us, including our children. I don’t think I could ever fully do justice to describing how important this process is. The participation isn’t just for your child’s benefit; it’s for everyone’s benefit.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Rivka: Regarding safety, when my son broke down in week three of the program, I wanted to understand exactly what protocols were in place. Who was with him at what times? How many people were involved? How often did they rotate staff? What was he eating? Where and when was he eating? Was his diabetic diet being maintained?
I understood it wasn’t easy—he couldn’t just go to the dining room like everyone else. I wanted to know everything they were doing, and I was very much part of the process. I wasn’t challenging them; I just needed to understand what was happening.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: And I’ll say they were incredibly receptive. They included me 100% in the process. I was a mess, crying and overwhelmed, but they were supportive. They were as transparent and vulnerable with me as I was with them, because we were all dealing with the same crisis, with Aiden at the center.
But there were also many other kids to keep safe, and staff members to keep safe as well.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: The more transparency and communication there is, the better. There are no secrets. If you start with that kind of openness from day one, there’s no room for doubt. We all accepted that this was a difficult journey. Let’s be fully transparent about it.
Tiffany: Yes.
Rivka: But it requires vulnerability from everyone involved. What you put into it is what you get out of it.
Tiffany: Exactly. You can’t show up half-engaged and expect a full, 100% return.
Rivka: Right. I know there are often questions about safety, and how you can be sure your child is safe. I’m happy to answer any questions people might have about that. But when your child says they’re not being fed, and then three weeks later you see them on camera looking healthy and fine, it’s clear they’re not being neglected. When a child isn’t being fed, they start to look sickly and gray.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: My son has asthma and diabetes, so I would’ve seen it if he weren’t being cared for. I watched him on camera every week. If your child isn’t breaking down emotionally, looking healthy and robust, and doing all the necessary things, then you can generally tell when they're crying wolf.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: If you ask the right questions, you’ll know.
Tiffany: And if you’re engaged. If you're not involved, if you’re not communicating with the program, you won’t know what’s going on, and you’ll just have doubts.
Safety and Trust in Programs
Rivka: Right.
Tiffany: In terms of statistics and research, a lot of parents report feeling that 93-94% of children are emotionally and physically safe in a program. And the kids themselves, around 88-89%, report feeling the same. So, research and reports from both parents and children show that they generally feel incredibly safe, just like you said.
Rivka: Yeah. I also think it’s really important to understand the community these kids are in. You’ve got a group of troubled teens, and they all landed here for some reason. None of them is here by accident—they all need the program. We did run into some issues at one point with racial and religious slurs.
But the program handled it well. They immediately separated the kids involved and figured out how to handle the situation. They ensured the safety of every child, and even the ones causing trouble were, in a way, asking for help.
Tiffany: Well, all behavior is communication.
Rivka: Exactly. The kids causing trouble were asking for help differently. Instead of treating them like the enemy and punishing them, the program addressed the behavior with consequences, but they also worked to understand the underlying issues. What led to this behavior? What was triggering it? They handled it beautifully.
And they never hid it from us. I’m sure if we got that phone call, so did the other parents.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: It’s about trusting them and partnering with them.
Tiffany: I’ve appreciated these conversations about what it’s like coming into therapy and what progress looks like. Progress is an interesting topic. A lot of parents expect a perfectly smooth, upward trajectory, but what we’re hearing from you is that it’s not that simple. Which, honestly, is what therapy should look like. If things are going perfectly with no bumps, you’re not making real change.
Rivka: It’s probably cursory.
Tiffany: Yes, exactly. Like you were saying, it’s not a deep dive into what you need to do or reflect on.
Rivka: Right. Life’s not all peaches and cream.
Tiffany: Of course.
Rivka: Life isn’t just all pink and butterflies. If we don’t face challenges and deal with them in real time—using the tools we’re learning—what are we learning?
Tiffany: Exactly.
Rivka: So, it’s almost like we have to experience those dips. As Aiden said earlier, two steps forward, one step back. Those opportunities to unpack what went wrong, figure out what we learned, and decide how we want to handle it next time are crucial.
Tiffany: Yes.
Rivka: Wait, real quick—would you say the example you gave earlier, with having to take him back after that first visit, was that a failure at the time?
Rivka: No, I saw it as a moment for me to show him how serious I was. I was devastated for myself. I wanted so badly to cuddle, to snuggle, and play games. I had this vision of how it would be—pink and butterflies. But I had to compartmentalize and think, “Just do the right thing. Take him back. We’ll deal with this later.” It took me a few days to process it.
Aiden: That wouldn’t have been the right thing.
Rivka: No, it wouldn’t have. It would’ve taught him that nothing had changed. That he could just keep pushing, and I’d eventually give in.
Tiffany: So it was still progression, even though at the moment it looked like you took a step back. You had to unpack it, reevaluate, and come back after you took that step away, right?
Rivka: Yes.
Tiffany: But I think a lot of parents would’ve seen that as a setback. They’d think, "We’re back to square one, and we’re not making any progress," and they’d feel discouraged and hopeless. But that’s not the case. As a therapist, I see it as, “Oh good, we’re finally getting to the real issues. We’re getting to the hard stuff we need to work through as a family.”
Rivka: Exactly. And what it showed me was that he hadn’t yet moved on from his old pattern. He was still trying the same tricks. This was the moment. This was the turning point.
Aiden: I think a cool way to look at this journey is like a parabolic equation. You start at this extreme low point, and as you get into treatment, you hit rock bottom. From there, things level out, and then you start experiencing exponential growth. It’s not just a series of ups and downs—it’s a real process of growth.
Tiffany: Yeah, and everyone’s journey will look different.
Aiden: Exactly.
Tiffany: As a therapist, when I’m working with a student or family and we face conflict, and maybe even the student gets upset with me or their parents, I tell parents, “This is great. You’re on the right path.”
Aiden: Now you’ve got a real teenager, not just an angry one.
Tiffany: Right! You don’t want a teenager who’s just telling you what you want to hear and jumping through hoops.
Growth Through Challenge
Tiffany: You want a teen to experience strength in the struggle. Growth doesn’t come when you’re comfortable. Growth happens when you’re in challenges. Struggling—that’s when true, lasting growth comes.
Rivka: Yeah. I think when you look at the stages of wellbeing, there’s comfort, then discomfort and challenge, and finally, crisis. We want to stay in that discomfort zone, where growth happens.
Tiffany: Yep.
Rivka: When we hit a crisis, that’s when we’re tested. Are we going to pull out our toolbox and return to discomfort, or will we fall back into old habits? It’s okay to go to comfort sometimes, to take a break and enjoy the progress. But remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Then, when you’re ready, return to discomfort. The crisis is the moment where you get to show what you’re made of.
Tiffany: Exactly.
Rivka: So, we used this one weekend as an example. Aiden went back to his old habits. He thought, “I got this, I’m gonna show them.” But we said, “Not today.” We brought our toolbox, and that was the moment we all got to see where we were in that process. After the cool-down period, it became a tremendous growth opportunity, where Aiden realized, “Oh man, that show might be over for good.”
Tiffany: So, let’s wrap up with this question: What would you want a student coming into a program like Discovery Ranch—or a family—to know?
Aiden: There are going to be people you’ll meet who aren’t good to hang out with. You’ve got to find a group that will help you progress instead of those who keep you stuck or cause you to regress. Keep your focus on making positive progress—even if it’s two steps forward, one step back. Avoid the negative regressions, like two steps forward, two steps back, or worse. Make sure your growth stays positive.
Tiffany: I love that. Surround yourself with people who will lift you and help you succeed, not those comfortable old friends who might keep you stuck in your old habits.
Aiden: Yeah.
Tiffany: So, what about those old friends? Are they still part of your life?
Aiden: Absolutely. The people I grew up with, the ones I struggled with, we all went through our journeys and struggles, but I keep in touch with them. I was texting with one of them earlier today.
Tiffany: So, they’re true friends?
Aiden: Yeah. They’re real friends.
Tiffany: Lasting friendships.
Aiden: Exactly. It’s like creating a brotherhood—someone who truly knows what you’ve been through. You stay in touch and keep those connections strong.
Tiffany: So, was all the hard work and struggle at Discovery Ranch worth it?
Aiden: Yeah, I think it was. The struggle becomes your strength. Diamonds are made under pressure. You have to go through the pressure to become something stronger than anything else.
Tiffany: That’s awesome. Thank you. Mom, do you have anything to add?
Rivka: I’d say, bring your whole self. You’re going to get bruised a little along the way, but allow yourself to be vulnerable. Extend grace to yourself when you’re feeling discouraged, and watch for progress. It may not be perfect, but as long as the needle is moving in a positive direction, we’re headed the right way. Life’s not pretty or perfect, so why would we expect this journey to be any different?
Tiffany: Exactly.
Rivka: Trust the process, even when it’s messy.
Tiffany: Thank you both so much for sharing your experience during residential treatment. I think this will be incredibly valuable for parents who are at the crossroads, thinking, “We need more help for our child, but we’re scared to take that next step.” Hearing your story about how there’s progress in the struggle, and strength in it, is so important. Thank you again for trusting the process and sharing with us today.
Looking Ahead: Life After Treatment
Tiffany: In our next episode, we're going to be talking about returning home. What’s life like now that you’ve been home? You've been home for a year now. So, stay tuned, listeners! We’re going to dive right into that. Thank you.