A Parent's Hardest Choice: A Teen's Greatest Success
Hear the compelling story of Levi, a 15-year-old, and his father, Malcom, as they share their personal journey through residential treatment. They discuss how a difficult decision to seek help became a game-changer, fostering healing and a stronger family bond. This episode offers a candid look at the challenges and triumphs of transforming a life in crisis.
If you are a parent facing a similar crisis and feel like you've exhausted all your options, there is hope. Discovery Ranch offers a structured, supportive environment where your child can gain the skills and self-worth needed to thrive. Our dedicated staff and personalized therapeutic approach can help them turn their life around, just as Levi's family discovered. Start your family's healing journey today. To learn more about our program, call us at 855-662-9318.
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A Parent's Hardest Choice: A Teen's Greatest Success Transcript
Introduction to the Episode
Kacy: Welcome to our episode. I'm Kacy Scott, a program coordinator at Discovery Ranch. Today, you'll hear the real story of a family who chose to continue their child's healing in a residential program. We'll explore how they made this decision, what their child experienced, and what life looks like now.
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy. Always seek a mental health professional for your specific situation.
Alright, let's get started. Tell me a little bit about yourselves.
Levi: I'm 15 and I live in the Bay Area, California. I came to Discovery Ranch on November 16th, 2022, when I was 13. I've been to three different treatment centers. I never really had that many friends growing up, but I've made a lot more recently.
Kacy: And you, Dad?
Malcom: I'm Levi's dad. Levi is the youngest of three boys, and I think he had a good childhood. He ran into a rough spell- what I would call a "perfect storm" of bad things- and things unfortunately fell apart. That's what brought us to Discovery Ranch.
Kacy: When did you first notice that something was wrong or that you needed to do something different?
Malcom: I think there were underlying issues, and as I said, a sequence of events. He broke his leg, his grandfather- who he's really close to- passed away, and his mom and I, who were separated at the time, sold the house he was in. I think that was a catalyst for him to start falling apart.
But there were other signs, too, like his inability to maintain friendships. He wasn't a "bad kid." He was a kid, and he had a bit of an attitude, but he wasn't a bad seed. It was really the confluence of those things coming together. He just started to withdraw, and that became critical pretty quickly.
Kacy: Malcolm, what was your biggest fear in sending your child to treatment?
Malcom: I think there are a lot of unknowns, right? It's a really emotional decision. It's something that most people haven't gone through before and probably don't know anyone who has. So, there are just a lot of questions.
When you add that to all the emotional stuff you have to deal with- like, "Did I fail as a parent? Is my kid going to be okay?"- I think those are the biggest things. Discovery Ranch was great at helping us understand the process, but it's a big unknown. It's a hard information void to fill. You can talk to people, and I think talking to other parents who have been there is absolutely critical if you're in that position. But it's a big leap, and it requires being educated and feeling confident.
Kacy: Did you visit Discovery Ranch before Levi came?
Malcom: We did not visit beforehand. Levi had been in another facility- an outdoor program- for about 12 weeks. Then he came back and was at a school, and things got really critical. He wasn't leaving the house. Discovery Ranch was the place we identified as the best option, so we just took a leap of faith. I drove him out and said, "He's in your hands."
Kacy: Was there anything in the process that made you almost not choose Discovery Ranch?
Malcom: No. There aren't an unlimited number of options. I'm in California, and there are no similar programs here. Obviously, that would have been more ideal from a geographic standpoint. There are only a handful of programs, and Discovery Ranch had a reputation for being one of the best. My wife and I felt confident after speaking to the staff, so that's the decision we went with.
Kacy: Perfect. Levi, tell me about your thoughts and what went through your mind when you found out you were coming to Discovery Ranch.
Levi: When my dad first told me that he and my mom were thinking about sending me away, I was nervous and scared. I by no means wanted to go, but I could acknowledge that I needed to. I wasn't in the head space to be able to stay home and thrive.
So, I came willingly, even though God knows it wasn't what I wanted to do. Upon arriving at the ranch, I was terrified. I saw all these people I didn't know, and a lot of them were bigger and significantly older than me at the time. I have older brothers, so I'm somewhat used to being around older teenagers, but this was a different experience because there was no familiarity. I was in a completely new space. I'd only ever been to Utah once before, and nowhere near where Discovery Ranch is. The whole idea was new to me.
Initial Outlook on Treatment
Kacy: When you found out you were going, had you accepted that you needed help, or were you still resistant?
Levi: I think deep down I had accepted that I needed help. Did that mean I wanted to come? No. I was definitely resistant and tried to convince my parents otherwise. But I wasn't physically resistant in any way. In the end, I did end up acknowledging it and going willingly.
Kacy: Was there ever a time when you felt angry? And if so, how long did that last?
Levi: I was angry for a while, but my anger was usually overruled by how much I missed my family. The first couple of months were the hardest. I was angry at them for sending me away; I felt like they didn't care for me. But it took me at least four or five months to realize it was the exact opposite, and that's why they sent me away- because they couldn't provide the help that I needed. So, my anger only lasted until I could realize that.
Kacy: This question is for both of you, and we'll start with Levi. What was your biggest fear about leaving home?
Levi: Like most kids where I live, I had attended overnight camps and spent time on my own. But I was never an "alone" type of kid until I got really sad. I always thrived on interaction and hanging out with people, like my siblings and my family. The only other place I had ever gone alone was to my wilderness program, which was a lot more short-term than Discovery Ranch.
I was nervous about spending all that time by myself and having to rely on myself and almost nobody else I was familiar with. It was a big struggle for me. I felt alone for a while, until I was able to make friends and become familiar with the staff and build relationships with them.
Kacy: Malcolm?
Malcom: I didn't actually feel nervous. I was the opposite- it was a sense of relief. You're in a situation that's totally untenable, almost horrific. Your child is falling apart. You've never experienced anything like this, and you feel helpless. It's a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So, when the decision was made, and he was in a place where he could get the help he needed, that was a giant sense of relief, more than anything else. I didn't feel anxious about it.
Kacy: When did you finally notice that you needed more support and that you needed to take the next step for Levi?
Malcom: There are always early warning signs: not doing well in school, behavior around friends, withdrawing from social activities. Most parents go through a typical process of going to the people at school to provide support and exhausting those resources.
So I think it's a combination of looking at your child's behavior, knowing that it's different from when they were happy or healthy- maybe not radically different, but enough that it's on your radar and it's disconcerting. And then you've exhausted all the resources. Your current school and academic environment aren't going to support their success. It's not just about academics. I still laugh about this, but I knew I was in trouble when Levi stopped wanting to play video games. He was a big video game kid, and it was really about him withdrawing from engagement with other kids to that degree. I knew we were in trouble when that happened.
I think it's important for a parent to be aware of what's going on with their kid and really ask yourself, "Hey, where are we going?" We went through counselors and other resources, but it just got to a point where we realized we had exhausted all those options and needed to take a more aggressive step.
Kacy: I'd like you to address the emotional part of it. How did you remove the emotion of, "I can't do it myself," because as parents, that's a hard reality to grasp. What advice would you give other parents to take the emotions out of it to make the decision you made?
Malcom: I don't know if it's possible to take the emotions out of it. It's an intense thing to come to the realization that you can't help your child. That's brutal, honestly, as a parent. I was a super-engaged parent. I coached my kids' teams and was in their lives. To see Levi struggling- this sweet, loving kid who just wasn't functioning in a healthy way- it's just really hard.
I think it's about getting whatever support you need to stay strong. You have to stay strong for your kid, lead them, guide them, and assure them everything is going to be okay. So, it is taking a little bit of the emotion out of it, but I think it's more about getting your arms around the fact and being honest with yourself that, "Hey, my kid's got a problem." It's not important whether I caused the problem or the environment caused the problem. As parents, it's natural to think you're the epicenter of everything that happens to your kid, but that may or may not be true. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. What matters is your kid is in a bad way, and you need to step up and find them some help.
Kacy: Sure. Levi, one more question for you about the emotional part. Did you ever think, "I am slipping, I'm struggling. This is getting worse," or did you just find yourself in that position?
Levi: Oh, I noticed it. I first noticed it at the very beginning because I know myself. I was always the happy type of kid who wanted to be around people. I noticed things were going wrong as soon as I stopped wanting to be around people and stopped wanting to do the things I loved most, like playing basketball, playing video games, and hanging out with my friends.
The problem wasn't that I didn't notice it; it was that I didn't know how to fix it. I thought that by giving myself short-term happiness, maybe I could fix it and get back to it. I didn't realize I was just enabling myself to look for those short-term pleasures more often instead of really doing something that would benefit me for the long term.
Kacy: Malcolm, how did you decide on a residential treatment center? How did you find out about Discovery Ranch and what led you to choose it?
Malcom: The first step was recognizing that Levi wasn't going to be successful at school. We decided we needed to send him to some sort of a program. So, we went to an outdoor wilderness program. It was about 12 weeks and it shook him up enough to recalibrate. In hindsight, the problem was that he didn't really learn any skills to reset and rebuild his psyche, habits, or perspectives- all the tools that Discovery Ranch teaches kids. So, it didn't stick.
He came back and was good-ish for four or five months, and then he regressed. I was talking about this yesterday at the ranch. He was sleeping during the day while I was working and up all night. He was literally in his room. Over the course of four months, he left the house three times. I was bribing him with In-N-Out and everything I could think of to get him to leave the house, and it was a "no go." Once you start to exhaust those options, it becomes clear.
He went to the wilderness program, came back, went to a school, and then went back to the same behavior. He started running away from school and not doing his homework. That's when we really said, "Okay, we need to send him to a residential program." We started looking around. We spoke to the school, who had programs they had worked with, and Discovery Ranch just kept coming up.
I think we spoke to a parent or two. When you start putting the word out to people in your life and in your network, somebody inevitably knows someone who has made this choice, and you get connected with them. So I think a lot of information gathering is critical to helping make the decision.
Kacy: Perfect. So let's talk about the first few days at Discovery Ranch. Tell us about the drop-off and what that experience was like. Levi, we'll start with you.
Adjusting to Residential Treatment
Levi: I think it was something I had experienced once before at my wilderness program, so I don't think it was as bad. But knowing it was going to be longer-term this time and that it was a completely different environment, again, it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I felt like I had nobody to fall back on for a while, or at least that's what I thought until I got to know people there.
I was unwilling to learn new things and to accept what I had to do. For the first few days, I was not willing to accept the program, the new people around me, or anything that was going on. I actually tried the same thing I did at home: I would try to stay in bed for as long as possible.
One of the first days was one of the times I got in the most trouble. It was one of our first days of school. I had already gotten under people's skin- as I do- and we had just reached school time. I was just learning that school was in the afternoon. I thought I was lucky that there was no school. I was refusing and laying in bed again, trying my hardest not to go. There were staff by my side trying to get me out until, at some point, they had no other choice but to help me out.
It was a rough thing, but I'm glad they did it because after that, I learned that I had no other choice but to accept it. The same type of behavior doesn't fly. They set a boundary, and from then on, I learned, and I never had to do that again.
Kacy: Thank you. Malcolm, tell us about your experience dropping Levi off that first day.
Malcom: He set the standard of it being painful when I dropped him off at the wilderness program. So this was, by comparison, pretty easy. I made the mistake when I dropped him at the wilderness program of pulling up- we were in, I don't know, where were we?
Levi: Idaho.
Malcom: Idaho. Another cold place when you're from California in the middle of winter. I pulled up, and he wouldn't get out of the car. I walked into the office, and when I came back, I had left the keys in the car, and he locked me out. For an hour in the cold, wearing a t-shirt because I was just going to run in there and get somebody, we had a massive negotiation. So dropping him at Discovery Ranch, relatively speaking, was much easier. We had talked about it, and he had reached a place where he had come to terms with the fact that he needed to be somewhere. So, I think it was relatively smooth.
Kacy: Is there a certain feeling or a first impression of the ranch when you first got there?
Malcom: The grounds are very nice and attractive. A soccer field is one of the first things you see as you turn into the facility. It was just very welcoming. That was all great. I think, as I've said, the challenge is the emotional part. You're about to leave your kid, and you don't really know what's about to go down. The communication standards are very straightforward: you get to speak to your kid once a week for an hour, kind of a thing. So, I think those are big emotional adjustments.
By the time you get there, at least in my experience, it's what you have to do. I think afterward, it's super challenging. I was exhausted. It had been a year and a half of the worst stretch of my life. It was much more intense than a divorce, losing a job, or anything else I had been through, quite frankly. It was a couple of days before Thanksgiving, and I literally called my family and said, "I'm going to Mexico and lying on a beach." And that's what I did for two weeks because I was like... I was brain-dead and exhausted. My advice to parents is to be strong in those moments leading up to taking your kid to Discovery Ranch or wherever they end up. You can fall apart afterward. But you have no choice as a parent at that point to hold it together and steer the ship to port.
Kacy: Sure. Levi, tell me about your first impressions of the ranch, of the people- just all of it in general.
Levi: I don't know what else to say, but I was terrified. I think what helped me the most is that when I first came to the ranch, within the first 30 minutes, I met two of the kids there. I met two of the "upper levels"- one was a Level 5, and another was a Level 3. They both came to greet me, which I thought was very kind of them. They showed me around and told me about how it would be. Kacy came, but they gave me a couple of warnings and told me a little bit about the rules. I think they gave me more of a welcome than I had at any other place I've ever been to, and it definitely helped ease me. As soon as I got to the house, there were 20 kids waiting to meet me and say hi. They were friendly and all ready to go play basketball with me, help me settle in, and even help me fold my clothes and pack them into the spaces we had in our rooms. They were all willing and ready to help, so I think that was definitely a great thing.
Finding Safety in a New Environment
Kacy: Did you ever feel unsafe, or did you eventually feel like it was a secure place?
Levi: I had a specialty of annoying a lot of people. It was something I got very good at with two older brothers because I was never physically dominant. One is nine years older than me, and the other is about four years older, so I didn't really stand a chance physically. I always had to annoy and bother them in any way I could.
So, I took that skill to the ranch. Whether or not I should have, I got under a lot of people's skin, and I was clever with it. I'd listen in to what their problems were about, and then I'd attack them with those problems when they made me mad.
Eventually, it started becoming a physical threat. Some of them would come and try to fight me, which is reasonable considering what I was doing. But thankfully, the staff was there to help and defend me if needed. I think what I learned is that what I was doing was the root of the problem. Whether or not they responded correctly was also a problem, but the staff saw both sides. They didn't just see mine or his. Not only was he punished for retaliating, I was punished for starting it, or vice versa.
So, I think I eventually learned that it was secure and more fair than I would have thought it to be. Even if I did start the problem, they weren't petty enough to let me get injured or hurt. I always thought the place was secure and that they tried their best to make you feel safe.
Kacy: Perfect. Malcolm, I'm going to ask you the same question. Did you ever feel he was unsafe, or did you feel pretty secure with the program?
Malcom: No. For me, I felt secure because Levi never had the type of problems where I was worried about suicide, quite frankly. I think that's a whole other level for a parent to deal with. No, I was never really worried about his physical well-being.
Kacy: Let's talk about the structure, the boundaries, and the way the ranch runs their program. Levi, how did you feel about that?
Levi: While I was there, or at least for the first while, I hated it. When you're in a place where you're not succeeding at the ranch, it can be difficult to accept the rules. When I was a lower level, it was hard for me. I didn't have much free time. I saw other kids using their privileges, like going to play basketball by themselves, and I was jealous, even though they had earned it and I hadn't.
It was definitely a struggle for me, but I do think the structure heavily contributed to my success. If there hadn't been so much structure- if I hadn't been waking up early and doing basic hygiene, getting ready for the day, learning to sit in silence for meds, getting some early activity doing P.E., and getting all three healthy, monitored meals- I think I would have had a more difficult time. Having something to do definitely helped not only with me missing my family and home but with gaining a more positive mindset overall. I feel like the more time you have to focus on what's wrong, the worse it gets. I think the structure I had allowed for just enough time to reflect on my problems and start to fix them, but still stay active and create new success.
Kacy: Perfect. Thank you. Was there a breakthrough moment during your time at DR when you began to feel things could change for the better?
Levi: I've talked about this a bit before. I think I had just reached my Level 2, which was by far the hardest level for me. I was still failing- I had still gone down to a lower level and was not consistent by any means. I had started to show a little improvement, but that didn't really mean much considering I'd already been there for about five months.
Eventually, I was on a family call with my dad and a staff member named Ray. My dad sat me down and said, "Hey, I'm going to be real with you. You should be doing better. You could be doing better. You're not trying hard enough, even if it seems like you are. I understand this is hard for you, but you can do it. You are one of the best I've ever seen, and you can beat this."
For a while, I thought, "What does he know? He's not here. He hasn't experienced any of this." But eventually, I realized- I think it was when I scored something higher than a Level 2, maybe a 3 or a 4- that I was actually capable of doing something like that.
I think a little moment like that really helps you realize what you're capable of. I realized I wasn't doing all I could. I was putting in the bare minimum of my effort. Once I had established that, I was really able to start improving. I got the next three levels within about three or four months, which is relatively quick. I was able to thrive and create new relationships very fast, and I think that really helped.
Understanding the Parents Role in Treatment
Kacy: Malcolm, Levi brought up a good point about him saying, "You're not there. You don't know what it's like." Can you explain the parent's role and how much you play in their treatment, as well as what's expected of you while your son is in treatment?
Malcom: You have access to people who can answer questions, but it's a little bit of a black hole in the sense that you get an hour to speak to your kid and their therapist once a week. So you really are handing your child over. Now, you can come visit, and we did that. His mom and I took turns, and I think we went to see him pretty consistently every six weeks. My perspective was to just trust the process.
To go back to the question you asked Levi a moment ago about the structure, I think there are two things that make Discovery Ranch a unique place: it's the people and the structure. The people are top-flight and truly committed to the kids. And the structure- the constant feedback that Levi got, essentially being graded twice a day to understand where he stood- is critical.
Towards the end of his stay, there was also a willingness to be more flexible. He didn't want to go back to middle school; he was an eighth grader. In the course of three months, he was able to earn a semester of high school credit so he could come back and jump right into high school. The staff and administration were flexible about freeing up time that might have been a requirement in other areas and said, "No, he can do his schoolwork because this is really important to him." Ray, his mentor- his... what would you call Ray?
Levi: My therapist.
Malcom: Your therapist, yeah. To me, he's more like a quasi father figure for that time.
Levi: Fair enough.
Malcom: So, there's a lot of structure, but there's also the prioritization of what's in the best interest of the kid.
Kacy: Awesome.
Adaptability and Success in Academics
Levi: I'd like to add on to that, if that's alright?
Kacy: Of course.
Levi: I think my dad brought up two things that I didn't realize how important they were. One was the ranch's adaptability. As he said, I was able to complete eighth grade and the first semester of ninth grade within three or four months. That was only able to happen because I went to the ranch.
It was possible because Ray and you, Kacy, advocated for me. People had seen that I could thrive, so they allowed me to break some of the rules by bringing my computer back to the house to work on extra assignments. Some of the school staff, who were even off the clock, would send me retakes on tests late at night. They would help me with some of the work, since I didn't have anybody to help me at the house and the material was difficult. They were always there to support me, even though they were by no means getting paid for those extra hours. They mostly just did it to help, and I appreciated that more than they know.
Malcom: That ended up being huge for him because it was the difference between having to go back to eighth grade- to a school where he wasn't really happy or comfortable- and being able to skip a grade to rebuild his academic confidence and go directly into the second semester of ninth grade. It really gave the whole experience a "win" in a way that was powerful for him. It gave him some serious motivation and the confidence to show that he was capable of doing that on his own.
Levi: Academically, before I left for the ranch, I obviously wasn't attending school, so from what I can assume, I had a lot of Fs. But when I left the ranch and was able to skip that grade, I ended up getting a 3.9 GPA out of a possible 4.0 in my freshman year. That was my first big achievement.
I think getting that grade showed me that I'm able to succeed. Was I mad that I had an 89% and didn't get a 4.0? Yes. But eventually, I got over that... or have I? It definitely was a big win for me.
Kacy: Your dad brought up one word, saying it a couple of times, that I would say was your biggest strength when you got to the ranch: confidence. I'd love for you to talk a little bit about how you felt about yourself- where you were when you got there, whether you loved yourself, and where you are now. The physical signs of change are there; I see it. I'm just curious about the change you felt inside.
Building Confidence and Self-Worth
Levi: We talked a lot about how I was emotionally going into the ranch, but a big part of how I felt about myself had to do with me physically. Since I was staying in my house all the time, I wasn't getting much activity. When I was 12, I was 198 pounds at about 5'8" or 5'9". Not a great physique, if you've ever seen it. It was a big struggle for me; I had been bullied for a long time for being fat.
Malcom: I'll show you this picture. Look at this.
Kacy: Yeah. Totally different.
Levi: Yeah. And I had almost no self-worth or confidence. I didn't believe in myself and I didn't love myself by any means. I figured I had no value and was no contribution to society in any way.
When I first got to the ranch, I did continue on that path for a little while. And after I had gotten under people's skin, that feeling was reinforced. I did feel that for a while, especially since I didn't have a great relationship with the other kids. They weren't always the ones to build me up at first.
But while I was at the ranch, I dropped from 198 down to 140 pounds. That doesn't mean I was malnourished; I was much healthier. It was because I had finally gotten the activity I needed. I was getting well-prepped meals that were healthy with vegetables and protein- everything I needed that I wasn't getting before, unless you count Panda Express as something that's good for you.
Malcom: Makes me sound like a bad dad there.
Levi: No, it was just the only thing I'd eat.
It was a rough thing for a while, but once I started noticing that drop in weight and the overall energy I had that I didn't have before, it definitely started raising my confidence. Little by little, as I made improvements, I started to build relationships with the other kids- ones that I've sustained even until now. I still talk to them even though it's been a year and a half since I left the ranch.
I think those relationships really started to build my confidence. Knowing I was capable of getting along with those kids, making jokes like I used to, playing sports with them, and having fun- bonding over cards, chess, everything- that really started building my confidence.
I think the final thing was when I got the staff to finally believe that... I think they believed from the start that I was capable of thriving, but when I really demonstrated that I could thrive in any environment, that's when it clicked. Once they started to give me a little positive reinforcement- telling me that yes, I was doing better, but without over-inflating my pride- and still giving me the necessary feedback, I think they taught me that I have the potential to be so much better, and that potential doesn't end. There's no perfection, but I was making huge strides towards whatever could be seen as that. I think that was the biggest confidence boost for me, along with the fact that my dad, my mom, and Ray all acknowledged it.
I think it took a long time, probably about a year, but the moment where I had really gained full confidence was when they said, "I think you're ready to go home." Because, trust me, Ray's not one to hand out those words very easily. My dad's always been a little harsh- not that he's not loving, but he pushes me and tells it to me straight, which is the way I like it.
Kacy: Yesterday, you shared a really important piece with the rest of the boys at Discovery Ranch. Can you share that now also- about it being a gift?
Malcom: Yeah, it is. I think the cold-hearted reality of life is you only get so many re-dos, and the ranch is a place where almost everybody has an opportunity to learn what they need to be successful in the world. It's about their willingness to commit to that project, to that process. And that's why, four or five months into it, I had that heart-to-heart with Levi where I really called him out and said, "This is not about this place. This is about you. It's about you owning what's yours and being willing to humble yourself, check your ego at the door, and work hard and be disciplined."
I said that to the kids yesterday in hopes that they really got it- that it's okay if you're not successful here and maybe you're going to go to another program, or another program, but at some point, the world's going to quit on you. That's just the reality. So, as a parent, I think it's about figuring out how you can get through to your kid and get them to understand that you love them, you support them, and they're here because you want them to be successful. It's the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink." They have to do this themselves, and I think that's hard.
The last piece of that is what I talked about with the emotional aspect. It's emotional for everybody- the kid and the parent. There are a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of questions of self-worth. You just have to put all that aside. It doesn't really matter how you got here. The fact is that being in this place is a legitimate opportunity to turn your life around. And with people like Ray supporting Levi, he was able to do that. So I'm immensely proud of what he's been able to accomplish, and it's his accomplishment.
Transitioning from the Ranch to Home
Kacy: Awesome. So with that, let's move into what it has been like, and what it was like, those first days at home? What's it like now? How did you transition?
Levi: The ranch sends kids home for a couple of weeks for home visits once they reach their upper levels. I think there were three before I left. Those visits did teach me what it would be like to be home, but nothing could have prepared me for how it actually felt.
When I first got in the car after leaving the airport, it just felt surreal. Honestly, it felt like that for weeks. I don't think it really kicked in until about a month later when I started school, the second semester of freshman year. I was trying to make new friends and find people to hang out with, and I realized, "I don't ever have to go back. This isn't a home visit- this is home." That realization hit me hard. Yes, I did miss the ranch and its people, but I was very happy to be out of there. It was a year of my life well spent, but I was looking forward to the next.
That realization that I was able to achieve more- which I got from the ranch- carried me through my freshman year. As I said, I was able to get a 3.9 out of a possible 4.0. That was my first big win back home. I was very happy about that. I wasn't a fan of all my teachers, but I, of course, learned to put up with that. I was at a program where you're not always going to be friends with everybody. You learn to get along with them and do what you have to do. I think that definitely carried through to going home.
I wasn't friends with everybody, but that doesn't mean I was a bully. It means I was just neutral with them, and I was okay with being neutral. The skills I had learned, even taking some deep breaths before a test or something, carried me through. It was definitely awkward, but it was nice being back.
Kacy: Malcolm, tell us about your emotions and what it was like when you knew you could take him home. Did you have any fears?
Malcom: Yeah, it was great to have him home. I actually wish I had the "couple days after the ranch" version of Levi because he was much more "snap-to." We went from him proactively taking out the garbage to him saying, "Yeah, I'll get to it next week," a couple of months ago. Yeah, we have to recalibrate sometimes, but it was obviously wonderful.
I think Levi had a little more of a challenge because his mom and I are divorced, so he was coming into two different sets of rules. I kept my expectations very simple and was very clear with him: "You need to live up to your academic potential. I'm not expecting you to get straight A's, but you need to work hard and show me what you're capable of doing, whatever that looks like. You need to cultivate friendships and have friends. And I want you to play a sport. I don't want you coming home after school and not having stuff to do, so figure that out."
He's stuck to that. With those three things, he's been successful and we've been successful. Look, we still have our moments, and I've got to get in his grill once in a while. But it doesn't happen very often, and when it does, the ranch has taught him the skills to handle that- to first hear that and accept that he's out of line, and then work on improving that behavior or course-correcting immediately.
We're solid. I don't worry about where Levi's going to be for the rest of his life. He has done more work at the age of 14 than most 40-year-old men I know. So he's solid, and that's been a massive blessing.
Kacy: Sometimes people feel like when a child- when you've invested as much time as you guys did with him at the ranch- are things perfect?
Levi: Oh God, no. I think for the first little while, they call it the "honeymoon phase," which I'm sure you're familiar with. For the first couple of weeks, I'd "snap-to." I'd do anything they'd ask me right as they asked me- heck, even before they'd asked me. It's just as every parent dreams for.
Malcom: Yes, exactly.
Levi: But that's not long-lasting, I'm going to be honest. I'm a teenager. I don't do that.
Kacy: Sure.
Levi: I'm still able to thrive completely. Does that mean I take out the trash within the first 30 seconds of being asked? No. Or clean the bathroom? Maybe I wait an hour, or I'll make a joke about doing it in a week.
But I think nothing's perfect when you get back. It won't ever be. We still have our problems. Everybody has their problems. We yell at each other. But the ranch really taught me that it's not about whether you yell or not. You're going to get in fights and argue. You are going to have to deal with that. But what the ranch really taught me was not to avoid getting in fights. It was how to bounce back from them. It was how to listen to feedback. It was how to fix it. I was not receptive to any sort of feedback before coming to the ranch. Even now, I feel like after the ranch, I got a hundred times better at it, but it's still something I'm working at. So after these fights, now I'm able to listen to what he says- even if I'm not happy about it- and I'm able to fix it, or at least attempt to, and start to work harder on that. I don't think that's something I would have been capable of without the ranch.
Kacy: Awesome. Malcolm, do you have anything to add to that?
Malcom: All you can want as a parent is for your child to be set up for future success. The before and after is incredible. He was heading in a really untenable direction. He was literally, I say this, killing himself with food. He gained 50 pounds. He wouldn't get out of his bed. You can't understate that.
So, you go from that to this kid who's self-aware, who can manage conflict, who is open to feedback, and really, in the specific case of Levi, wants to follow in Ray's footsteps and become a therapist. I think that's something I've encouraged him to do because he's got great skills. Some of that was there before, but the ranch really helped him form those things. I'm super excited about the future of Levi's life.
Life Skills Learned at DR
Kacy: Fantastic. Levi, what tools do you think you took with you and use the most at home?
Levi: I think the most simple tool of all, and one I use most consistently, is something I've used in this room and used yesterday. I've used it almost every day I can think of, anytime I'm in conflict or feeling nervous. It has to be some of the DBT skills and thought pattern management I learned. The most consistent one I use is probably deep breathing.
It's something I never took seriously before I came. I didn't realize the effects it actually had or that it was science-based. I figured it was just something people made up to get you to take a second. But learning what it really did for me and how I could use it helps me continue to thrive even to this day. It helps me focus on any given task, so I think that's one of the biggest things I learned.
Kacy: Perfect. You said something yesterday: what has Discovery Ranch done for the relationships in your life?
Levi: Like my dad said, I struggled with relationships back at school. For a good while, I didn't have many friends, and I wasn't able to maintain them. I got into a lot of struggles and conflicts. I didn't have good relationships with almost anybody I could think of. I caused a lot of problems and difficult situations for my family and the people around me. I felt like I was the root problem.
Going into a new environment where nobody knew me was a blessing. People might see it as having to make new friends, but as somebody who didn't have friends, I thought, "What's the worst that can happen? I'll be in the same scenario." For a while, it was the same scenario. I struggled, and I don't think I had many friends at all. But I learned to mediate my problems. "Fixing" is a bit of a stretch- I still have those problems today, and I get under people's skin all the time- but at least I'm able to make amends with the people I do that to.
Learning to listen to people's problems with me instead of rejecting them and thinking that it was them being the problem and not me was the root cause of why I wasn't able to get along with anybody. Getting that feedback is what really helped me thrive, and that's why I'm able to be so successful in my relationships today. I have plenty of friends back at school, and I hang out with them all the time. My best friend is a great person. I have a girlfriend I've been with for over eight months. Sure, I get into my spats with them, but the fact that I'm able to choose people that can give me that feedback and help me, thanks to the ranch, is a big success.
Kacy: Malcolm, do you want to add to the changes you've seen in his relationships?
Malcom: I think the most important change- and it's probably true for everybody in terms of a basic skill you need to cope in the world- is being able to take feedback. You've got to be able to check your ego at the door and listen to what somebody is saying, particularly if it's your parent or someone who has knowledge or expertise to help you improve as a human being.
That's probably the biggest and most important area where I've seen Levi grow. He doesn't always take it right in the moment. I have to be mindful of his process. I have to respect that and say, "Okay, I'll circle back in an hour." But consistently with Levi, whatever I need him to hear, at some point, he hears and acknowledges it. In the moment, he may not, or we may butt heads a little bit, but that's on me sometimes. I have to give him a chance to get to a better head space where he's more open to taking that feedback. But ultimately, he does. And that, to me, was really the foundation of our relationship.
Kacy: With the structure at the ranch, when you went home, were you hoping for less structure? Did you find it important to continue to have structure? How have you adjusted to that?
Levi: I think the structure at the ranch was a blessing. I don't think I loved it while I was there, but looking back, it was definitely helpful. Did I wish I could sleep in all the time? Did I fall asleep during class, or during movies, or during groups? Consistently. But I got over that once I adjusted.
The lack of structure nowadays... My dad had those expectations: playing a sport, hanging out with friends, going to school and doing well, and getting my homework done. I think those things helped me to still have some of that structure in the most important ways, but it left me with a little more flexibility. I think that can be both good and bad because it gave me time to make mistakes, but it also gave me time to learn from them and to learn how to manage my own time instead of having a structured schedule with people teaching it to me.
I was able to teach myself to have some sort of structured schedule. Even now, I catch myself being a little lazy, sleeping in- which is a good thing during summer- and staying up too late. But I think the ranch taught me that even on those days when I'm feeling really tired, it's not cool, it's not healthy, and it's not something I want to do to stay in bed and sleep all day. So even when I am tired, just as I did at the ranch, I go outside, I go see people, I work out, I get some sort of physical exercise and have some sort of interaction and maybe play some board games- do something. On the days I'm more tired, I'll take it easy a little bit. But I think the fluctuation in structure is helpful, and it's something I wanted a lot, but it was also a difficult thing to deal with for a while.
Kacy: Malcolm, do you have anything to add to that?
Malcom: No, just that Levi had a little more of a challenge because, again, he's going to two different households. His mom was very structured and rules-based, and I'm not, to a fault. So I think it forced him to figure out, "Hey, how do I be successful in these two different environments where the expectations are very different?"
Kacy: Sure.
Malcom: At his mom's, there are rules, and you have times that you can do stuff. At Dad's, I'm just interested in the result; I don't care how you get there.
Kacy: Sure.
Malcom: So those are just two different ways of operating in the world. I knew I had to try and create more structure because, coming out of the ranch, that was what enabled him to be successful. But I also knew, "Hey, you've got to impose this structure on yourself."
Kacy: Absolutely.
Malcom: You can't live in a world where the world is imposing structure on you all the time. You've got to be self-regulating, and again, to his credit, he's done that pretty successfully.
Advice for Boys & Parents Considering Discovery Ranch
Kacy: Just to wrap this up, what would you tell a boy who is looking into the ranch or who knows he is going? What's your last piece of advice? And then, Malcolm, we'll go with you for the parents.
Levi: I think it's pretty simple. It doesn't sound simple, but you're going to have to learn whether it's the easy way or the hard way. I'm assuming it's going to be the hard way given the situation they're in, but take that lesson and keep it with you because it will serve you.
Kacy: Thank you, Levi.
Malcom: I would say two things. One, you made a reference to this- how do you divorce yourself from the emotional aspect of it? Let go of all of that judgment that exists in the situation, whether it's judgment of your kid for not living up to your expectations or judgment of yourself for not being the kind of parent you want to be. There's always room for improvement, but that kind of judgment is just not helpful.
So I think part of the struggle is just getting past that and saying, "Hey, I've got this problem here- my kid is in this crisis. How do I address that?" Once you get past that, then it's about educating yourself and really understanding what kind of program is best for your kid.
Discovery Ranch was a great fit for us. I don't see how it couldn't be a great fit for most kids. Maybe there are other circumstances where kids need more attention or different types of resources that the ranch doesn't provide, but for most kids, I see it as a real, viable option.
Get yourself comfortable and know that you're going to go into this, and you're not going to have all the answers. If you're a control freak, you need to let go of that because you are entrusting your child to other people. But I can certainly attest to the fact that it was the best decision we made. It was not an easy decision- a very difficult one to come to- but it was a game-changer in our lives. You've sat and listened to Levi and how, at 15, he's become so intelligent, self-aware, and articulate. A lot of that is a function of what he was given at the ranch.
Kacy: Awesome. Thank you.